Parenting RPG

I have aquired so many incredible, mind-blowing skills in the last two years.

I am amazing at so MANY things, you guys. 

So many.

And yet, the things which I am amazing at, there are no prizes for.

No awards.

No ribbons.

No recognition.

No self-esteem-boosting, compare-myself-to-others way to be the BEST at any of these newly aquired skills of incredibleness.

And so I would like to propose: the Parent RPG Scoring System.

It's perfect, really. 

Power-ups designed to showcase our awesomeness, and prove to the world that we moms and dads are in actual fact super-human. 

To highlight the impossible feats we accomplish on a daily basis. 

What on earth could be involved in such a scoring system, you ask? 

What more is there to parenting than patting a couple little curly heads, kissing a couple dimpled chubby cheeks, and happily cooking up some pancakes in whimsical shapes while humming and kissing our husbands goodbye for work? 

Allow me to enlighten.

Staff Of Memory

+2 child-soothing power

While the rest of the world enthusiastically devotes time to memorizing such character-building passages as Bible verses, The Song of Hiawatha, The Charge of the Light Brigade, and Shakespeare, the memory event in the Parent Olympics would showcase our ability to quotes hours upon end of Dr Seuss, Bernstein Bears, and Veggie Tales. We can sing all the songs from Thomas the Tank Engine, and at least ten verses of Wheels on the Bus. 

Everyday phrases accidentally set off the memorized passages, and all to often we find ourselves mentally twelve pages into One Fish Two Fish with no idea of how we got here or how to escape. 

When you can recite an entire Dr Seuss book from memory enthusiastically and with pizzazz, you have aquired the Staff of Memory. 

Sleeping Baby Ninja Skill

+5 peacefulness (used to combat the forces of chaos)

+2 strength

To aquire this power-up, the parent would start sitting cross-legged on the floor, holding a sleeping baby because this is where we finally both collapsed from exhaustion. For extra points, beginning position is flat on the parent's back with sleeping baby sprawled out over parent's chest. The goal of this activity is to rise from your position on the floor, bringing the sleeping baby with you, moving to the crib, and depositing the sleeping baby in the crib, removing arm supports, and walking out of the room.

This requires smoothness and muscle control, as any jarring movement will wake the baby. The baby must not drastically change postition, and must remain completely supported at all times as you rise from the floor. Any flopping appendage will result in screams from the now-wide-awake baby, and you go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $100. Both hands probably will be required to cradle the sleeping child, leaving you to hoist yourself, and your arms and legs which have fallen asleep, up smoothly using nothing but the power of your mind. 

Your nose will start itching when you have the baby hovering over the crib, but do NOT give in! Speeding the process up too much at this point will wake the baby. Sneezing will also wake the baby.

When the door to the nursery is closed behind you with the sleeping baby deposited in the crib, you may engage in a quiet happy dance. You have aquired the Sleeping Baby Ninja Skill, which you may use in 10 minutes when the baby wakes up again. 

Toddler Robe

+3 patience

+5 agility

Lack of this power-up is why so many toddlers are dressed so often in nothing but a diaper. Putting pants on a small creature who wants nothing to do with said article of clothing is similar to threading a needle in a haystack which is currently being fed to cows. 

We parents are adept at putting pants on someone who is running away. Or hiding under a blanket. Or flopping repeatedly on the floor. Or hitting, kicking, biting, and screaming.

Or at putting a diaper on a tiny creature who seems intent on throwing themselves off of the changing table. Many points penalized if they succeed in their escape mission.  

My daughter has is nifty back-arching-scooting-flopping-twisting trick that effectively removes her bottom from the diaper just as I get it under her, every time. Climbing up on the changing table with them and holding them down with your knees is frowned upon. 

When both children are fully dressed, with all of their appendages in the correct appendage-holes, you receive the Toddler Robe. Use it when you have to start all over at the next diaper change. 

Airplane Spoon

+5 agility

+2 child-soothing power

You would think that self-preservation would work such that the small creatures would eat, wouldn't you? Wrong. Getting food into a baby or toddler is a Herculean feat. 

You must feed a reasonable amount of mush to a tiny person who is simultaneously shaking their head, sticking out their tongue, clenching their teeth (or gums), yelling, screaming, waving their arms, kicking their legs, trying to climb out of their highchair, telling you a story, banging their spoon, fork, plate and cup on the table, smearing mush in their hair, dodging your spoon with the skill of a ninja, spitting the food out, and crying because they are hungry.

The airplane spoon should help. A little. 

Carseat Skill

+2 child-soothing power

+4 agility

+1 strength

+10 patience

+5 creativity

Really, this is just an extention of previous exersises and skills. The idea is that you are able to accomplish daily task with small people who are actively resisting your efforts in infinitely creative ways, with enthusiasm and a seemingly infinite number of limbs. Loudly. 

I would also add powerups that allow you must to do the laundry quickly so that the toddler does not have a chance to sit on the baby, sweep the house with a broom that the toddler is currently using as a stick horse, do the dishes while the toddler uses the spoons to shoot water across the kitchen, cook dinner while holding a squirming, reaching baby and hauling a toddler-barnacle on your leg, and fold the laundry while the baby chews on it and the toddler uses it to build a fort. Also, to make sure you make time and save energy for romance with your spouse! 

What power-ups would you add to the Parent RPG Scoring System? 

Next time you are engaged in these activities, mentally score yourself and congratulate yourself on your incredible super powers! 

My Toddler Has a Swearing Problem

Toddlers are interesting creatures.
They are very similar to monkeys and parrots and lemmings.
What they see, hear, or watch someone else do,
that they too shall do. Or say.

This issue has come up before... such as when, upon Theron's discovery of the Temper Tantrum, my husband used to tell him, "You are not dying. Calm down."
Now, when Theron throws a tantrum, he accompanies it with shrieks of
"DYING! DYYYYYIIIIINNNGGG!"
We just give thanks for understanding neighbors who have children of their own.

However, we have never had a problem with Theron swearing. I mean, we usually watch our language pretty well. We are missionaries, after all, and are held to certain standards of conduct.

But this week, I was talking with his babysitter. Evidently, as her nice little family was busy just minding their own business and being productive and behaving, my Sweet Toddler suddenly burst out with the endearing term, DUMB-A**!!
And not just once.
Over and over.
And over. 
Because once is obviously not enough for such language.

Her husband was, understandably, somewhat taken aback by this turn of events, and probably not a little concerned about (a) my son's home environment, (b) his son's understanding of "ok words." (their son is a month younger than Theron).

Rachel, though, being the kind, understanding woman she is, decided to give us the benefit of the doubt. Wasn't that nice of her? Especially with her husband expressing concern and my toddler continuing to happily express himself with Less Than Desirable Words in the background.

My dear friend Rachel assured her husband that she did not think Theron's parents regularly would use the term he was so enthusiastically applying to all of his surroundings. She wasn't sure, but possibly they were misunderstanding what he was saying and surely they could find another explanation.

She then proceeded to try to figure out what, if anything, else Theron might be saying.
She finally realized that he was pointing to a character in a book while expressing his opinions....
A book on Thomas the Tank Engine.

She explained to her relieved husband that she believed Theron was, in actual fact, saying "THOMAS! THOMAS!", not... anything else.

I assured her, during our conversation, that we did not, in fact, regularly use such language at home, and that Theron was, in fact, saying "Thomas." He confirmed the fact by repeating loudly "THOMAS! THOMAS!" Since we were obviously discussing the annoying little tank engine, and he wanted to weigh in with his opinion. Sure enough, if you didn't know what he was saying, it did indeed sound like "dumb-a**"

On the positive side, now when he asks repeatedly over and over to watch "Thomas," which he does by just repeating "Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!" over and over like a scratched record, we now are infinitely amused rather than just extremely annoyed.
Because... well... we're immature.
And it's really funny. 

Through the Mud

Meet Eeyore.
He is Theron's favorite stuffed animal.
He gets carried/drug everywhere.

He gets sat on
hugged
snuggled with
chewed on
laid on.

He has water poured on him
mud smeared on him
rocks thrown at him
things piled on him.

He gets carried to the stroller to join in on the walk,
then dropped in the dirt
and rolled over
and picked back up
and handed back to outstretched toddler arms
to repeat the process again.

Because the love of a toddler is a little traumatic for the object of love.

Eeyore gets washed much less frequently than he should,
because there is no time to wash and dry him between naps
and heaven forbid a nap happen without Eeyore.

Eeyore gets thrown out of the crib in a fit of anti-nap fervor
and then post-Eeyore-throwing remorse immediately sets in
and we hear a mournful wail from the nursery
EEEEYYYYOOOOOORRRREEEEE!!!!
and we have to go and hand Eeyore back, if the nap is going to proceed.

Eeyore gets drug through the mud
and his bedraggled, muddy state,
like that of the Velveteen Rabbit,
bears witness to how much he is loved by a little boy.

The other day, I noted this to my husband, as Eeyore underwent yet another traumatic event in his stuffed life.
"I don't know whether to feel sorry for Eeyore that he is so mistreated, or be happy for him because he is so loved!"
And my wise husband responded,
"Just remember that thought when you feel like you have been drug through the mud -- it is because you are so loved!"

Because the love of a toddler is a little traumatic for the object of love.
But us who are loved by the toddler
wouldn't change it for the world.

Because Eeyores and Mommies are just a little different from regular humans.
Eeyores and Mommies try to see you,
not what you say when you are mad. 

Eeyores and Mommies will snuggle you
when you are covered with snot
and dirt
and who knows what other Toddler Cooties.

Eeyores and Mommies will love you
at your worst.

Even when you drag them through the mud.

I'm so glad that God
is a little bit like Eeyores and Mommies
when I act like a toddler
and my love is a little traumatic.

Mommy Yoga: Retrieving Child Pose

Useful for: retrieving small magnetic letters from underneath the fridge, toys from under the sofa, and toddlers from under the bed.

Strengthens: resistance to fear of creepy crawlies under things while reaching blindly for toys, stretches back and spine

Method: kneeling in front of the piece of furniture that is housing the object of your desire, scrunch down as low to the ground as you can (gracefully, remember) and stretch your hand as far under the piece of furniture as you can possibly reach. Do not, I repeat, do. not. think about mice, cockroaches, or spiders. Stretch your hand (or, in the case of the refrigerator, fingers), back and forth in an attempt to locate object. Grasp object firmly. If retrieving toddler from under bed, grasp more firmly than you think you need to. Pull object out from under furniture. Attempt to uncurl into a standing position.

My toddler seems to find it infinitely amusing to push the little magnetic letters up under the fridge, and then suddenly develop an acute need to have them all out in front of him again. This pose can be combined with the handle of the broom in the case of a fridge that is too low for your arm to fit.

A whole new dimension of exercise is added when the item being retrieved is the toddler himself, as that particular object usually vigorously objects to being retrieved.

Baby Sister: A Photo Post

Mommy Yoga: Holding Object Out of Reach

Useful for: holding objects out of reach of a toddler (one who can stand)

Strengthens: Core, arm muscles, patience

Method: Sitting gracefully cross-legged in front of whatever you are working on, raise either both arms or one at a time above your head, holding the object of the toddler's desire out of his/her reach. Usually a sharp, breakable, or valuable item. So don't drop it.

I have found myself executing this move more recently, as my son has mastered the fine art of "pulling up." "Pulling up" is exactly that-- using some object as a steadying point, upon which he braces as he pulls himself into a standing position. And then continues to pull on as he keeps himself in said position.

Usually the "pulling up" brace of choice is Mommy. Mommy's legs if she stands still too long (it's like quicksand, you have to keep moving), Mommy's shoulders if she is sitting down.

If I happen to be working on something which I would rather my son not chew on (say, a drawing), then said object must be held out of said toddler's grasp, as he climbs all around me, and pulls on my arms, until he loses interest. My son does not lose interest easily. My arms get tired.

Mommy Yoga: Dropped Diaper Cream Bend

Useful for: Picking up dropped diaper cream while holding squirming baby steady on changing table.

Strengthens: Core muscles, good stretch for sides.

Method: Place on hand on baby's stomach. Keeping hand firmly in place, slowly bend to one side, reaching with your other hand for the dropped object. Make sure to keep hand on baby at all times.

This is a pose I find myself executing quite often, as I am rather clumsy and drop objects frequently. The difficulty level of this move increases with the age of the child, as a larger child will begin to perform gymnastics under your hand in an attempt to jump off the changing table, and your job is to prevent them from doing so. The sound track to this move usually is an angry, screaming child who wants very badly to attempt to fly. He is just sure he can, if Mommy would JUST.LET.GO!
You must not let go.

Oh, also, you often cannot actually see where the diaper cream rolled to. It is usually under the changing table, just out of reach of your groping hand.

Sometimes, the best resolution to this particular pose is to gracefully give up and diaper the child sans diaper cream, just this once. Or twice. Ok, it happened a lot. No judging.

Mommy Yoga: Baby Squat

Useful for: Loading the dishwasher while holding the baby. Picking up dropped objects while holding the baby.

Strengthens: Upper thighs, balance, core muscles

Method: While holding the baby in one arm, slowly squat down, keeping the torso straight, until you can reach whatever you are going for. Use your free arm to perform task. Stand back up, still keeping torso straight so as not to crush the baby.
Alternatively, put baby in ring sling or Moby wrap in front of chest. Use one arm to steady baby while performing Squat.

For the first post in the new series, I would like to present the Baby Squat. This move is useful for reaching anything lower than your knees while holding a small baby. The idea is that, while bringing one hand low enough to perform the task at hand, you cannot bend your waist at all lest you crush the baby. I most often found myself using this particular handy pose when loading or unloading the dishwasher with a small baby asleep in a ring sling. Oh, you also can't move too quickly or the baby wakes up.

Mommy Yoga - Living gracefully in the chaos.

Every once in a while I realize I'm hyperventilating. Not a lot. Just a little.
The baby woke up early, the husband had to go to work and I didn't have a plan for breakfast and the coffee took just a little longer than I thought it would and the baby is crying and the kitchen is dirty and I need to do twenty things in the next five minutes.
And I panic. Just a little.

Sometimes the idea of peace and quiet and grace seems so far removed from my present toddler-saturated reality that I think I will never be able to breathe deeply again.

I see my chubby got-pregnant-before-recovering-from-the-last-baby tummy and my face devoid of makeup because, really, who has time for that? and I'm juggling a toddler who insists on being held RIGHT NOW and a whisk and something that is about to burn and I feel the farthest possible thing from graceful or lovely.

I think of the days when I took 45 minutes in the morning to drink a cup of tea and do yoga to soft piano music, and I just want to laugh. Or cry. Or possibly both. Because THAT me thought I was busy and overwhelmed. Ha. Silly past me with the gobs of time and silence and peace.

And yet... is that peace and grace truly lost to me? Or am I merely blinded to the new form that it has taken in my life? Will the me of 20 years from now look back on this time and laugh because I didn't realize how good I had it?

I was chopping apples on the countertop for a pie. My son was inventing new ways to wrap himself thoroughly around my feet while whining incessantly at an ear-hurting pitch. I grabbed a piece of apple and offered it to him, twisting around backwards and bending over to get it within his reach. When I stood back up, my husband was laughing, and when I asked him what was so funny, he told me that it looked like I was inventing a new yoga pose: "hand-the-baby-an-apple."

I laughed too, but as I finished chopping the apples, I was thinking -- that is what I am doing. Every day: inventing the new way that grace and peace looks in my current life. Mommy yoga. It is still graceful, and even peaceful, in it's own way. But I have to take the time and effort to search those moments out.  I have to be willing to recognize and accept the moments when they come -- whether or not they look like I think they should, or prefer they would.

I am still lovely and graceful even in my new, squishier, curvier, busier form.

So, as I contemplated this idea, I decided to do a new series of posts called "mommy yoga," in which I outline a "yoga pose" that I have found myself using in my role as a mommy, and under what circumstances such a pose might be useful. Come back next week for the first one! And I hope you find the idea of "mommy yoga" both as humorous and inspiring as I do.