I am amazing at so MANY things, you guys.
So many.
And yet, the things which I am amazing at, there are no prizes for.
No awards.
No ribbons.
No recognition.
No self-esteem-boosting, compare-myself-to-others way to be the BEST at any of these newly aquired skills of incredibleness.
And so I would like to propose: the Parent RPG Scoring System.
It's perfect, really.
Power-ups designed to showcase our awesomeness, and prove to the world that we moms and dads are in actual fact super-human.
To highlight the impossible feats we accomplish on a daily basis.
What on earth could be involved in such a scoring system, you ask?
What more is there to parenting than patting a couple little curly heads, kissing a couple dimpled chubby cheeks, and happily cooking up some pancakes in whimsical shapes while humming and kissing our husbands goodbye for work?
Allow me to enlighten.
Staff Of Memory
+2 child-soothing power
While the rest of the world enthusiastically devotes time to memorizing such character-building passages as Bible verses, The Song of Hiawatha, The Charge of the Light Brigade, and Shakespeare, the memory event in the Parent Olympics would showcase our ability to quotes hours upon end of Dr Seuss, Bernstein Bears, and Veggie Tales. We can sing all the songs from Thomas the Tank Engine, and at least ten verses of Wheels on the Bus.
Everyday phrases accidentally set off the memorized passages, and all to often we find ourselves mentally twelve pages into One Fish Two Fish with no idea of how we got here or how to escape.
When you can recite an entire Dr Seuss book from memory enthusiastically and with pizzazz, you have aquired the Staff of Memory.
Sleeping Baby Ninja Skill
+5 peacefulness (used to combat the forces of chaos)
+2 strength
To aquire this power-up, the parent would start sitting cross-legged on the floor, holding a sleeping baby because this is where we finally both collapsed from exhaustion. For extra points, beginning position is flat on the parent's back with sleeping baby sprawled out over parent's chest. The goal of this activity is to rise from your position on the floor, bringing the sleeping baby with you, moving to the crib, and depositing the sleeping baby in the crib, removing arm supports, and walking out of the room.
This requires smoothness and muscle control, as any jarring movement will wake the baby. The baby must not drastically change postition, and must remain completely supported at all times as you rise from the floor. Any flopping appendage will result in screams from the now-wide-awake baby, and you go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $100. Both hands probably will be required to cradle the sleeping child, leaving you to hoist yourself, and your arms and legs which have fallen asleep, up smoothly using nothing but the power of your mind.
Your nose will start itching when you have the baby hovering over the crib, but do NOT give in! Speeding the process up too much at this point will wake the baby. Sneezing will also wake the baby.
When the door to the nursery is closed behind you with the sleeping baby deposited in the crib, you may engage in a quiet happy dance. You have aquired the Sleeping Baby Ninja Skill, which you may use in 10 minutes when the baby wakes up again.
Toddler Robe
+3 patience
+5 agility
Lack of this power-up is why so many toddlers are dressed so often in nothing but a diaper. Putting pants on a small creature who wants nothing to do with said article of clothing is similar to threading a needle in a haystack which is currently being fed to cows.
We parents are adept at putting pants on someone who is running away. Or hiding under a blanket. Or flopping repeatedly on the floor. Or hitting, kicking, biting, and screaming.
Or at putting a diaper on a tiny creature who seems intent on throwing themselves off of the changing table. Many points penalized if they succeed in their escape mission.
My daughter has is nifty back-arching-scooting-flopping-twisting trick that effectively removes her bottom from the diaper just as I get it under her, every time. Climbing up on the changing table with them and holding them down with your knees is frowned upon.
When both children are fully dressed, with all of their appendages in the correct appendage-holes, you receive the Toddler Robe. Use it when you have to start all over at the next diaper change.
Airplane Spoon
+5 agility
+2 child-soothing power
You would think that self-preservation would work such that the small creatures would eat, wouldn't you? Wrong. Getting food into a baby or toddler is a Herculean feat.
You must feed a reasonable amount of mush to a tiny person who is simultaneously shaking their head, sticking out their tongue, clenching their teeth (or gums), yelling, screaming, waving their arms, kicking their legs, trying to climb out of their highchair, telling you a story, banging their spoon, fork, plate and cup on the table, smearing mush in their hair, dodging your spoon with the skill of a ninja, spitting the food out, and crying because they are hungry.
The airplane spoon should help. A little.
Carseat Skill
+2 child-soothing power
+4 agility
+1 strength
+10 patience
+5 creativity
Really, this is just an extention of previous exersises and skills. The idea is that you are able to accomplish daily task with small people who are actively resisting your efforts in infinitely creative ways, with enthusiasm and a seemingly infinite number of limbs. Loudly.
I would also add powerups that allow you must to do the laundry quickly so that the toddler does not have a chance to sit on the baby, sweep the house with a broom that the toddler is currently using as a stick horse, do the dishes while the toddler uses the spoons to shoot water across the kitchen, cook dinner while holding a squirming, reaching baby and hauling a toddler-barnacle on your leg, and fold the laundry while the baby chews on it and the toddler uses it to build a fort. Also, to make sure you make time and save energy for romance with your spouse!
What power-ups would you add to the Parent RPG Scoring System?
Next time you are engaged in these activities, mentally score yourself and congratulate yourself on your incredible super powers!