17.10.14

Judging Her

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I looked at her with her slightly baggy jeans that had given up on life a while back and yet she just kept wearing as if she did not realize that they were barely hanging on. 

Her tummy pooched a little, the pooch of a woman who had gotten pregnant again before quite regaining her former shape after the first baby. The pooch of a woman who now realizes she probably won't ever be quite exactly the same again.

I looked at her hair... Not quite short, not quite long, not quite brown, not quite blonde, not quite straight, not quite curly. It was scooped up in little twists and bobby pinned into submission far from reaching grabbing baby hands. 

I looked at her, like I had looked at so many others like her, and to my surprise, I found that I had no judgment for her this time. I did not mentally criticize her clothing, or her lack of makeup, or her obvious unenthusiasm for sit ups. 

I thought abought the dishes that piled dirty in her sink, and the tupperware and pans piled haphazardly in her cupboards, and felt only kinship, and even pride in her for choosing to play with her kids or kiss her husband or even just be without worrying that for this moment in time, the dishes remained unwashed.



I noticed the toys scattered about the floor, the spilled juice from her toddler's breakfast, her kids state of undress as they were all still in pajamas at this hour of the morning, and I did not feel condemnation. I did not compare her to all the other moms who surely had it all together this morning. I only smiled at her in the knowledge that sometimes... Life is just chaos, and that is just fine.



I thought about how I sometimes disagreed with her choice of sleep training methods, about how I had so many times in the past secretly blamed her children's misbehavior on her inability to stick with cry-it-out for more than two minutes, or her tendency to feed the baby every time she cried in the night because it was just easier and she was so tired. 

I thought about how I had passed quick judgment on the times she used too sharp of a tone of voice in scolding her son, or the times she let things go she really shouldn't have because it was just too much work to correct this time. I had looked down on her for her lack of that holiest of grails of parenting: Consistency.

But this time, to my surprise, I found that the judgments had, somewhere along the way, faded, leaving me with a sense of understanding. A sense of the faultiness and brokenness of all of us. A sense of grace. 

I stood there, contemplating this turn of events, and wondered when I had stopped criticizing her so sharply. 
When I had stopped judging her and all of her fellow women who did not have it all together. 
When I had stopped mentally comparing her to the ideal which we all surely strove for. 
I wondered when I had decided to just let her be. 
To appreciate her.
To smile at her, with no underlying castigation.

I wondered when I had started extending grace to her. 

I wasn't sure. 
I felt perhaps it had to do with a day when I realized that judgment is contagious. 
It does not stay neatly confined to the one I would like to be judging, but spills over until I am judging everything I see.

Perhaps at some point I had come to realize that I could not contain judgment. 
That in allowing it to flow through me to others, I had deal with it flowing back to me. 
That judgment is not picky.
It sticks to everything in its path, washing away the colors of joy and peace and thanksgiving.

At some point, I had started choosing grace instead. 
I had taken the judgmental thoughts, one at a time examining them and choosing to cast them aside like refuse and choosing instead to clothe myself in grace. 
To extend grace to every one I met, adorning them, too, in priceless pearls of acceptance and love that saw their faults and made them beautiful.
 The grace which flows around all of us, pulling us in closer instead of separating and pitting us against each other. 
The grace which forces me to see the humanity of the women around me, how we are all in this together, how I am not above or below any of them.

The same grace which I found myself extending to the one in front of me now. 
I smiled at her, a smile full of grace and joy and knowledge that she is beautiful and loved and an amazing mom and wonderful wife and that the dishes and tummy pooches and spills and baggy jeans just are the trappings of chaotic, joyful life right now, and are made beautiful by grace. 
She smiled the same smile back at me,
And I turned from the mirror to face the next moment of life with grace. 

14.10.14

Parenting RPG

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I have aquired so many incredible, mind-blowing skills in the last two years.
I am amazing at so MANY things, you guys. 
So many.

And yet, the things which I am amazing at, there are no prizes for.
No awards.
No ribbons.
No recognition.
No self-esteem-boosting, compare-myself-to-others way to be the BEST at any of these newly aquired skills of incredibleness.

And so I would like to propose: the Parent RPG Scoring System.

It's perfect, really. 
Power-ups designed to showcase our awesomeness, and prove to the world that we moms and dads are in actual fact super-human. 
To highlight the impossible feats we accomplish on a daily basis. 

What on earth could be involved in such a scoring system, you ask? 
What more is there to parenting than patting a couple little curly heads, kissing a couple dimpled chubby cheeks, and happily cooking up some pancakes in whimsical shapes while humming and kissing our husbands goodbye for work? 

Allow me to enlighten.

Staff Of Memory
+2 child-soothing power

While the rest of the world enthusiastically devotes time to memorizing such character-building passages as Bible verses, The Song of Hiawatha, The Charge of the Light Brigade, and Shakespeare, the memory event in the Parent Olympics would showcase our ability to quotes hours upon end of Dr Seuss, Bernstein Bears, and Veggie Tales. We can sing all the songs from Thomas the Tank Engine, and at least ten verses of Wheels on the Bus. 
Everyday phrases accidentally set off the memorized passages, and all to often we find ourselves mentally twelve pages into One Fish Two Fish with no idea of how we got here or how to escape. 

When you can recite an entire Dr Seuss book from memory enthusiastically and with pizzazz, you have aquired the Staff of Memory. 


Sleeping Baby Ninja Skill
+5 peacefulness (used to combat the forces of chaos)
+2 strength

To aquire this power-up, the parent would start sitting cross-legged on the floor, holding a sleeping baby because this is where we finally both collapsed from exhaustion. For extra points, beginning position is flat on the parent's back with sleeping baby sprawled out over parent's chest. The goal of this activity is to rise from your position on the floor, bringing the sleeping baby with you, moving to the crib, and depositing the sleeping baby in the crib, removing arm supports, and walking out of the room.

This requires smoothness and muscle control, as any jarring movement will wake the baby. The baby must not drastically change postition, and must remain completely supported at all times as you rise from the floor. Any flopping appendage will result in screams from the now-wide-awake baby, and you go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $100. Both hands probably will be required to cradle the sleeping child, leaving you to hoist yourself, and your arms and legs which have fallen asleep, up smoothly using nothing but the power of your mind. 

Your nose will start itching when you have the baby hovering over the crib, but do NOT give in! Speeding the process up too much at this point will wake the baby. Sneezing will also wake the baby.

When the door to the nursery is closed behind you with the sleeping baby deposited in the crib, you may engage in a quiet happy dance. You have aquired the Sleeping Baby Ninja Skill, which you may use in 10 minutes when the baby wakes up again. 

Toddler Robe
+3 patience
+5 agility

Lack of this power-up is why so many toddlers are dressed so often in nothing but a diaper. Putting pants on a small creature who wants nothing to do with said article of clothing is similar to threading a needle in a haystack which is currently being fed to cows. 


We parents are adept at putting pants on someone who is running away. Or hiding under a blanket. Or flopping repeatedly on the floor. Or hitting, kicking, biting, and screaming.
Or at putting a diaper on a tiny creature who seems intent on throwing themselves off of the changing table. Many points penalized if they succeed in their escape mission.  

My daughter has is nifty back-arching-scooting-flopping-twisting trick that effectively removes her bottom from the diaper just as I get it under her, every time. Climbing up on the changing table with them and holding them down with your knees is frowned upon. 

When both children are fully dressed, with all of their appendages in the correct appendage-holes, you receive the Toddler Robe. Use it when you have to start all over at the next diaper change. 

Airplane Spoon
+5 agility
+2 child-soothing power

You would think that self-preservation would work such that the small creatures would eat, wouldn't you? Wrong. Getting food into a baby or toddler is a Herculean feat. 

You must feed a reasonable amount of mush to a tiny person who is simultaneously shaking their head, sticking out their tongue, clenching their teeth (or gums), yelling, screaming, waving their arms, kicking their legs, trying to climb out of their highchair, telling you a story, banging their spoon, fork, plate and cup on the table, smearing mush in their hair, dodging your spoon with the skill of a ninja, spitting the food out, and crying because they are hungry.

The airplane spoon should help. A little. 

Carseat Skill
+2 child-soothing power
+4 agility
+1 strength
+10 patience
+5 creativity

Really, this is just an extention of previous exersises and skills. The idea is that you are able to accomplish daily task with small people who are actively resisting your efforts in infinitely creative ways, with enthusiasm and a seemingly infinite number of limbs. Loudly. 



I would also add powerups that allow you must to do the laundry quickly so that the toddler does not have a chance to sit on the baby, sweep the house with a broom that the toddler is currently using as a stick horse, do the dishes while the toddler uses the spoons to shoot water across the kitchen, cook dinner while holding a squirming, reaching baby and hauling a toddler-barnacle on your leg, and fold the laundry while the baby chews on it and the toddler uses it to build a fort. Also, to make sure you make time and save energy for romance with your spouse! 

What power-ups would you add to the Parent RPG Scoring System? 
Next time you are engaged in these activities, mentally score yourself and congratulate yourself on your incredible super powers! 

10.10.14

Dr Seuss Knew My Son

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That son of mine, that son of mine.
I hear a crash from time to time. 




Look mom, I found this toy so fine!
Oh, do not touch that toy so fine!
Do not touch it, son of mine!

Can I poke it here or there?
You may not poke it here or there.
You may not poke it anywhere.
You may not touch that toy so fine.
You may not touch it, son of mine.

Can I touch it with my nose?
Can I touch it with my toes?
You may not touch it with your nose.
You may not touch it with your toes.
You may not poke it here or there,
You may not poke it anywhere.
You may not touch that toy so fine, 
You may not touch it, son of mine.

Can I touch it with my hand?
Can I hit it with a pan?

Not with your hand.
Not with a pan.
Not with your nose.
Not with your toes.
You may not poke it here or there.
You may not poke it anywhere.
You may not touch that toy so fine,
You may not touch it, son of mine.

Can I? Could I? In five seconds?
Please mommy! Please mommy!
Look, it beckons!

You may not, can not, in five seconds.

You might relent, you will see.
What if I ask you from this tree?

You may not, may not from the tree.
Not in five seconds! Let me be!
You may not touch it with your hand.
You may not hit it with a pan.
You may not touch it with your nose.
You may not touch it with your toes.
You may not poke it here or there.
You may not poke it anywhere.
You may not touch that toy so fine.
You may not touch it, son of mine.

Today! Today! Today! Today! Today,
Can I, may I on THIS day?

Not today! Not from a tree!
Not in five seconds! Let me be!

You may not, can not with your hand.
You can not, may not with a pan.
You MAY NOT touch it with your nose.
You WILL NOT touch it with your toes.
Do not poke it here or there,
Son, do not poke it anywhere.
You may. Not. Touch. That toy so fine.
You may not touch it, son of mine.

Say! In the dark?
Here in the dark?
Can I touch it in the dark?

You may not touch it in the dark.

Mommy, mommy, how it beckons!

You may not touch it, though it beckons.
Not in the dark. Not in five seconds. 
Not today. Not from a tree.
You may not touch it, son, you see.
Not with your hand. Not with a pan.
Not with your nose. Not with your toes.
You may not touch it with here or there.
You may not touch it anywhere.

You may not touch that toy so fine.

You may not touch it, son of mine.

Can I touch it if I'm sad?
You may not touch it of you're sad.

Can I touch it if I'm mad?

You may not, can not if you're mad.
You will not, will not if you're sad.
You may not touch it though it beckons. 
You may not touch it in five seconds.
Not in the dark! Not from a tree!
Not today! You let me be!
You may not touch it with your nose.
You may not touch it with your toes.
You may not touch it with your hand.
You may not hit it with a pan.
You may not poke it here or there.
You may not poke it ANYWHERE!

You may not touch that toy so fine!

You may not touch it, son of mine!

I may not touch it, so you say.
Look away mom! And I may.
Don't look and I may, I say.

Son! If you will let me be,
I'll give you another toy.
You will see.

Here! Please take THIS toy so fine.
Forget the other, son of mine.

But... I don't want THIS toy so fine. 
I do not want it, mommy-mine. 
Cuz I can touch if I'm mad.
And I can touch it if I'm sad. 
It just sits there, doesn't beckon.
I could touch it in five seconds. 
And in the dark. And from a tree.
It's just not as fun, mommy, you see!
Cuz I could touch it with my nose.
And I could touch it with my toes.
And I could touch it with my hand.
And I could hit it with a pan.
I could poke it here or there.
Say, I could poke it ANYWHERE!

It's not an awesome toy so fine.

Well, that's tough luck, oh son of mine. 



7.9.14

My Magic Toddler Flight Tips

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Well, we have arrived safely back in our little corner of the world.
Actually, we arrived on the 20th, but since there is no Starbucks or Macdonalds to run down and steal internet from (not that I would ever do such a thing. Shame on all of you for knowing what I am talking about.) it has taken me this long to obtain the means to give you an update. 

As most of you know, the getting here process includes several prolonged periods in enclosed Toddler Torture Chambers known as Airplanes. These infernal devices are designes specifically to drive toddlers and the parents of toddlers and everyone unlucky enough to be seated near the toddlers certifiably Insane. 

Over the last couple of monhs since our less-than-stellar experience on the 13 hour flight going to the states, I have been systematically, frantically searching for some magic substance, trick, restraint system, noise muffler, or other device to make the return trip less traumatic. 

Well, I am happy to report to you, that I Won. I did it. I achieved Plane Ride Happiness in the form of Toddler Sleep. And being the incredibly generous and giving person I am, I am about to tell you how I did it, so that you, too, may achieve this peace and harmony and goodwill of fellow passengers. 

Now please do not tale this to mean that a plane ride with toddlers will ever be Fun or Relaxing or anything remotely close... No, a toddler is still a toddler and toddlers and 13 hoir flights do not, under any circumstances, mix well. But, with some tricks and forethought, Non-Horror can be achieved. 

My Magic Toddler Flight Tips

1. Car. Seat

 

This amazing restraint system is The. Key. The flights on which we had the car seat were happy little strolls in the park beside the flights on which the evil airline people did not allow the car seat. Traveling tip: in Australia, they do not care if your car seat has "approved for use on airplanes" stamped very clearly on the manufacturer's label. You have to have an ORANGE STICKER that says "approved for use in airplanes." And of you do not... Well, 3 hours of Screaming Toddler on that flight. I did not have warm fuzzy Christian feelings towards those airline employees. Quite the opposite. 

But this experience does prove that the major thing making a difference on other flights was the carseat. It seemed to make Theron realize that he was strapped in, he wasn't going to be getting out, it was familiar, and it meant that we were not physically wrestling with him the whole time. 

We almost got the carseat taken away on the 13 hour flight because of the whole orange sticker issue. I almost had a heart attack, and sent up many desparate prayers while they were deciding if my manufacturers label was good enough. With what I am sure was Divine Intervention, they decided to let it pass on that flight. I'm not sure what I would have done if they had not... Probably better to not contemplate it. 

2. Melatonin


This was my magic Toddler Knockout Substance. Yours may be different. Let me encourage you, however, to test your magic Toddler Knockout Substance before the plane ride. Benadryl, for us, was the opposite of a Magic Toddler Knockout Substance. Research options and test them. I settled on melatonin because for one, benadryl didn't work, and also because it is somewhat natural and after research the only possible negative affect I found was possible dependence on it if you use it all the time. So I decided that once or twice on a flight... Well, the benefits outweighed the possible consequences. He only needed half of a 3mg pill to help him get to sleep, and he them stayed asleep for about 8 or 9 hours. 

Beware of overusing your knockout substance, however. Toddlers are active creatures and it really is not reasonable to expect them to sleep longer than they would at home, even with help. 8 or 9 hours straight is about my toddler's limit in non-crib situations. Giving your toddler more knockout substance when they really can't sleep anymore is just a recipe for a tired, cranky, angry, hyper, drugged toddler. Not cool. Just try to prolong the sleep as much as you can and then turn to other activities, such as walking circles around the plane. 

3. Take care of yourself


This is a version of the old advice "sleep when the baby sleeps." 
On the first journey, I was so stressed I didn't sleep at all, I didn't drink enough water, I didn't eat well, and so I was sick, tired, dehydrated, and miserable on top of having a screaming child. 
If you get Sleeping Children, SLEEP! Rest. Breathe. 

Drink TONNES of water. It is so easy to get dehydrated on airplanes.
 Take healthy snacks for yourself and the kids, and eat them. 
Take turns with your partner, if you are lucky enough to be traveling with them, and remove yourself for a walk or a nap during your "time off." On the Flight of Screams (thanks to the stubborn airline employees) I took Lula back to an empty row so I could feed her and let her nap, and I relaxed and read for a while myself. Then, when she woke up, I went back up to help Morgan with Sir ScreamsALot. 

 Take dark chocolate. Buy a coffee on a layover. Do yoga. Stretch. Use the stupid looking eyecover thingy, if it helps you sleep (it helps me). Extra changes of clothes on a long haul trip can make a big difference, as can toothbrushes and a hairbrush. 

Take lotion, comfortable (WARM) clothes, and generally do everything possible to make the flight better for yourself. A happier, more relaxed parent will result in happier, more relaxed kids. Nobody benefits if you don't take care of yourself.

4. When they are awake

Have a plan for when the toddler wakes up. Be realistic- they aren't going to sleep the entire 32 hour trip, on 6 planes and 7 airports. So, don't let their waking hours come as a surprise. Be prepared.

I took snacks of all shapes and sizes and flavours because one gets boring to Toddler. Goldfish, sunflower seeds, wholegrain crackers, fruit snacks, raisins, fruit leather. I made sure to have his water bottle so I could fill it on the plane and keep him hydrated. Lollipops are amazing time consumers, and are great for the up and down portions of the flight because sucking on them helps keep their ears clear. Nursing Lula during takeoff and landing did the same thing for her. 

Kep in mind with snacks, that this toddler is trapped. Sugar is probably not something you want to be feeding a trapped toddler. I kept the snacks completely sugarless, and tried to also limit refined flour because it has a similar effect on Sir Squirm. Know what triggers your child's hyper behavior, and avoid it. One friend of mine figured out that her grandson has a super hyper reaction to a certain food dye! No red plane snacks for him! 

I also took toys- trucks, plastic animals, little toys. And books. And I loaded our ipads with toddler friendly games. Some good free ones are: 
Thomas and Friends Engine Activities
Musicsparkle
Shapes and Colors



I also put some cartoons on Morgan's ipad... Theron is a little small to figure out headphones, so the plane cartoons didn't have sound for him, although he still enjoyed them. But the smaller airplanes didn't have movies anyway, so he watched some cartoons on the ipad with the sound turned low. Check on itunes... They sometimes have free cartoons. I got several episodes of Finley the Fire Engine, which turned out to be really cute. Wordless cartoons are also wonderful things. The Snowman is a favorite of mine, although I cannot find a digital version of it. 



We also did a lot of walking behind Theron as he explored the airport, and as he ran up and down the aisles of the planes. His little doggy backpack-leash is AMAZING. He loves it, and it makes it possible for us to let him run around without having to hold our hand (tiring for little arms) or worry about losing him. 



5. Routine


Giving the Toddler a sense of security and familiarity can make a world of difference not only on plane rides, but also in hotels and unfamiliar relatives' houses. I do a few things to try to provide this.

Eeyore: Theron carries Eeyore EVERYWHERE. 
PJs: the kids both wore their PJs for the long overnight flight. Warm footy pajamas make the, comfortable and warm and are familiar and associated with sleep.
Essential Oils: I use essential oils in their bath every night at home, because I like the way they smell, and I think they have really made a difference in Theron's sleep. Wiping them down with a warm washcloth with Pillow Potion (auracacia brand oil blend) and putting it on Eeyore gives them a familiar sleepy, calming smell. 
Carseat: as I stated before, this is key. Most airlines in the states will let you bring on the carseat if it is certified for airline use. Even if Toddler is a lap child, ask at the gate if there is an empty seat you can put the carseat in. Most airlines will let you do that. They want your flight to go well, too! Unless they are Australian, evidentally. (Boo.)

6. Stress free accessibility
When you have a screaming toddler with a poopy diaper, or who is hungry and losing it, timing is everything. You don't want to lose precious minutes of sanity by digging through a suitcase fore diapers or snacks. Make sure your carryon is easily accessible and well arranged. I used a bookbag from my college days, and put my ipad in the computer pocket along with tickets amd boarding passes,snacks in the little compartments along the back inside, and organized diapers and toys in the book compartment. Water bottles went outside in the water bottle compartment. I put enough diapers in my bag for each leg of the journey, and then Morgan carried extras, and extra changes of clothing, in his backpack. 
We only had the one carryon each and then I pushed Theron in his stroller and Morgan carried Lula in a carrier. The gate-check stroller was wonderful for Sir Squirm, and no extra purses or computer bags meant less to juggle and worry about. 

Also, I dressed both of the kids in outfits that were easy to change diapers in. No pull-off shorts or fancy ruffles. Easy one-piece suits with snaps around the diaper area. 

7. Perspective
Finally, when all else fails, the carseat is rejected, the snacks have run out, the melatonin is no longer working, and 32 hours of traveling is just too much for anyone, let alone a toddler, try to keep some perspective points in mind: 

It will end. No matter how bad it is, it will eventually end. Don't be afraid to use your magic knockout substance one more time when you get to your destination and collapse at a hotel or relatives house, or hand your child over to Grandma and go pass out. It will be over, and you won't die of Screaming Toddler. Probably. 

The ones who matter don't mind and the ones who mind don't matter. Don't add extra stress to your already full plate by worrying overmuch about your fellow passengers. The majority of the time, they understand and feel sorry for you, not annoyed by you. And if they do happen to not have children of their own or empathy of any type... They just don't matter! You will probably never see them again. Their opinion of you does not matter. So, throw out a general apology to your fellow travelers, smile at them, and them carry on with your life and don't worry about their eye-rolls. 

Toddler. Not adult. Remember your child is just that- a child. Traveling is really hard on anyone, and even the most mature adults who know when it's going to end and have impulse control get tired and cranky and grumpy on long haul journeys. Imagine therfore how much harder it must be for a toddler, who has no idea how much longer this is going to last, what is going on, why we are doing this, and how to express displeasure, tiredness, and general fed-up-ed-ness. Give grace, try not to get angry, and perhaps leave the lesson-learning for another time. Traveling is not, in my mind, the best time to teach new manners or be overly strict on behaviors. At the same time, though, toddlers need boundaries and throwing all the rules out the window, in my experience, just contributes to the overhwleming bewilderment they are already experiencing. So pick your battles. 



So there you have it-- what I have learned from three long haul trips with Sir Squirm, two of which also included his baby sister. Hopefully it helps somebody. :) 

8.8.14

Hello. Goodbye.

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There are two ways to approach this.
Two equally true realities.
Two truths that stare me in the face every day.
Two rituals that I have been forced to live in with an urgency that many are not forced into. 

And I think that both are equally necessary to living a healthy life of relationships. 

Hello.
Goodbye. 

As a missionary kid, I have lived my life in the space between and within these two words. 

Hello.
Goodbye.

As an adult who has friends that I sort by continent, I face these overwhelming feelings on a daily basis.

Hello.
Goodbye.

I spent a long time fighting these realities. I refused to say hello for fear of having to say goodbye. I refused to embrace places, people, feelings because I did not want to have to let them go. I refused to process goodbyes, preferring to ignore them, trapping myself in the tiny space outside of hello and goodbye. 

Hopefully, I am learning a different way of living. Learning to live in the space between and within the hello and the goodbye. Because these realities are not unique to the experience of a global nomad. Everyone has to face the twin realities of hello and goodbye.
Of birth and death.
Of now and then.
Of yesterday and today and tomorrow.
Of things loved,
Things lost,
Things gained.

Life lived.
Life yet to be lived. 

I believe that the fullest life is lived within these realties. To ignore either one is to refuse to experience life as it really is. 

Hello.
Goodbye.

I have heard two 'inspirational' statements that reflect a life lived in these realities.
How would you live if today were your last day? 
Live like you are going to live forever. 

Allow me to explain. 
If today were my last day, I would tell everyone I love that I love them.
I would worry more about whether my son needs a book read to him than if the dishes need washed.
I would make sure to tell the person I am standing in front of that they are valuable. 
If today were my last day, I would hug my husband and hold my daughter and care more about moments than dollars.

But if I were going to live forever, then I would plant a tree. 
I would make sure my son was learning how to say 'please' and 'thank you.'
I would make jam and fill my pantry for next winter.
I would make my house a home. 
I would start a garden. 

If I live only like today is my last day, then I never invest in tomorrow. I never embrace life where I am, never put down roots, never dig deep and make sure my friendships will last the long run. If I live only in the Goodbye, I will forget to embrace Hello.

If I live only like I will live forever, I will worry constantly about tomorrow. I will pass over today because I am too busy planning for the future. I might forget to tell the person I'm facing how much they are worth, because I have all the time in the world. If I live only in the Hello, I will forget to prepare for the Goodbye.

Life is lived to the fullest only in the space between and within both the Hello and the Goodbye. These equal  realities can govern a life lived lived fully embracing today and fully investing in tomorrow. 

Hello.
Goodbye.

Eternity.
And now.

Two sides of the same coin. 
Two truths. 
The push and pull,
The dance of a full life. 





26.6.14

Maternal Insanity: Correlation Anxiety

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I have discovered one of the prime contributors to maternal insanity.

You do know about maternal insanity, right?
The mixture of constant befuddlement, absent-mindedness, stress, and eyes-in-the-back-of-our-head uncanny intelligence that seems to afflict women beginning approximately two months before the birth of our first child?

Well, I am happy to announce that I can shed at least a small amount of light on one of the components behind this condition: correlation anxiety.

I discovered this as a condition during a recent conversation with my friend Rachel. She was telling me about a mysterious rash her son had on his chin (because that is the kind if thing that occupies the conversations of mothers of young children. Rashes and sleeping patterns.) evidentially, this rash was kind of coming and going and she couldn't figure out what was causing it. The only thing she had been able to link it to, she admitted sheepishly, was that it seemed to appear whenever Miles wore the color orange.

"He must be allergic to orange!" I exclaimed. Then we both looked at each other and laughed. Because... Well, we both know she thought of giving away all his orange shirts. Just in case.

You see, correlation anxiety is the overwhelming need of a mother to link her children's behavior to some outside cause-- any at all. My theory is that we have so much chaos in our lives due to small children, we feel so very out of control of the house, the dishes, the state of the living room, even our own emotional state, that we desperately search for any sense of pattern to the chaos. This can lead to some truly interesting, surprisingly stubborn conclusions. We young mothers are a superstitious lot.

I, for one, have been known to insist that my husband give our daughter her bath because she had slept well the previous night after he had given it to her. He tried to reason with me logically that there was no way that which parent gave her her bath affected her nights sleep, but I wasn't having any of his wimpy logic. The man was well and truly stuck with the Bathing of the Daughter unless and until such time as The Father Giving the Bath was followed by a Bad Nights Sleep. Only then would I concede that maybe... It had stopped working.

As for The Toddlers sleep... Oh, I have linked that to anything and everything in my hazy, sleep-deprived mind. I once created an elaborate chart of the various contenders for Sleep Correlation. I present to you, exhibit A of Correlation Anxiety.



I have everything on that sucker but the phases of the moon, I tell you. I later determined that his sleep was, in fact connected to the phases of the moon. And Mars. And whether or not there was a solar eclipse.

I am now in recovery from Correlation Anxiety.
The first step of recovery is, as everyone knows, admitting you have a problem, so I am now admitting to you, dear reader, that I struggle with Maternal Insanity, specifically with Correlation Anxiety.
Really, I just struggle with a need for control.
Because if I can just figure out what causes what, then I can of course control it.
Sleep.
My toddlers temper tantrums.
The state of my kitchen.
My mood swings.
Depression.

I hate, hate, hate not being in control.
And while I do believe in taking responsibility for my own condition and actions (snapping at my husband, for purely theoretical example), I also am coming to realize that I am not, in fact, I'm control of All The Things.

So I'm trying to let go.
To let go of analyzing my day to determine the exact cause of my Toddlers temper tantrum in Target, and allow him to just be a Toddler in Target, because that is evidentially just What Toddlers Do In Target.
Must be all the red... Does red affect toddlers like it does bulls?
Let it go, Danielle.
Right.

To let go of the need to know All The Things and control All The Things and determine All The Things.
I'm trying.

But I'm still pretty sure about the Toddlers sleep and the moon.

23.5.14

Lamb Curry

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Since I grew up in an Indian neighborhood in Fiji, curry makes a frequent appearance at our dinner table. My husband is extremely fond of curried lamb, which, while quite expensive in the States is actually not bad here. I bought lamb necks in town this month for K16/kg, which translates to about $3.50/lb.

I have a basic curry "recipe" (which is really just rough estimates, like most of my regular cooking) that I adjust to fit whatever item I happen to be currying. This one works well for most meats -- lamb, chicken, goat, whatever. 


Lamb Curry (print recipe)

Ingredients
5 lamb necks
4 potatoes, cubed
3 onions, sliced

4 garlic cloves
1 green onion
1 tsp salt

2T curry powder
2T garam masala
1T cumin
1 tsp coriander
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp paprika

4T vegetable oil
1/2 c coconut milk
water


Cut as much meat off of the lamb necks as you can, in small pieces, and set aside along with the lamb bones and potatoes.

Smash the garlic, green onion, and salt together to make a paste.
Mix the spices together in a bowl.

Coat the bottom of a deep pot with the vegetable oil, and fry the sliced onions on medium heat until they begin to become slightly translucent. Add the garlic paste and spice blend with just enough water to make a runny paste (so that it doesn't stick to the pan), and stir until it becomes fragrant.

Add the lamb and potatoes, stir until the lamb is slightly seared.
Add the coconut milk and just enough water to nearly cover the meat and potatoes. Stir, and then cover and bring to a boil.

Reduce heat and allow to simmer until dinner time. 1-2 hours is best. Serve with rice and rotis.



16.5.14

My Toddler Has a Swearing Problem

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Toddlers are interesting creatures.
They are very similar to monkeys and parrots and lemmings.
What they see, hear, or watch someone else do,
that they too shall do. Or say.

This issue has come up before... such as when, upon Theron's discovery of the Temper Tantrum, my husband used to tell him, "You are not dying. Calm down."
Now, when Theron throws a tantrum, he accompanies it with shrieks of
"DYING! DYYYYYIIIIINNNGGG!"
We just give thanks for understanding neighbors who have children of their own.

However, we have never had a problem with Theron swearing. I mean, we usually watch our language pretty well. We are missionaries, after all, and are held to certain standards of conduct.

But this week, I was talking with his babysitter. Evidently, as her nice little family was busy just minding their own business and being productive and behaving, my Sweet Toddler suddenly burst out with the endearing term, DUMB-A**!!
And not just once.
Over and over.
And over. 
Because once is obviously not enough for such language.

Her husband was, understandably, somewhat taken aback by this turn of events, and probably not a little concerned about (a) my son's home environment, (b) his son's understanding of "ok words." (their son is a month younger than Theron).

Rachel, though, being the kind, understanding woman she is, decided to give us the benefit of the doubt. Wasn't that nice of her? Especially with her husband expressing concern and my toddler continuing to happily express himself with Less Than Desirable Words in the background.

My dear friend Rachel assured her husband that she did not think Theron's parents regularly would use the term he was so enthusiastically applying to all of his surroundings. She wasn't sure, but possibly they were misunderstanding what he was saying and surely they could find another explanation.

She then proceeded to try to figure out what, if anything, else Theron might be saying.
She finally realized that he was pointing to a character in a book while expressing his opinions....
A book on Thomas the Tank Engine.

She explained to her relieved husband that she believed Theron was, in actual fact, saying "THOMAS! THOMAS!", not... anything else.

I assured her, during our conversation, that we did not, in fact, regularly use such language at home, and that Theron was, in fact, saying "Thomas." He confirmed the fact by repeating loudly "THOMAS! THOMAS!" Since we were obviously discussing the annoying little tank engine, and he wanted to weigh in with his opinion. Sure enough, if you didn't know what he was saying, it did indeed sound like "dumb-a**"

On the positive side, now when he asks repeatedly over and over to watch "Thomas," which he does by just repeating "Thomas! Thomas! Thomas!" over and over like a scratched record, we now are infinitely amused rather than just extremely annoyed.
Because... well... we're immature.
And it's really funny. 

25.4.14

Through the Mud

1 comment:

Meet Eeyore.
He is Theron's favorite stuffed animal.
He gets carried/drug everywhere.

He gets sat on
hugged
snuggled with
chewed on
laid on.



He has water poured on him
mud smeared on him
rocks thrown at him
things piled on him.

He gets carried to the stroller to join in on the walk,
then dropped in the dirt
and rolled over
and picked back up
and handed back to outstretched toddler arms
to repeat the process again.

Because the love of a toddler is a little traumatic for the object of love.


Eeyore gets washed much less frequently than he should,
because there is no time to wash and dry him between naps
and heaven forbid a nap happen without Eeyore.

Eeyore gets thrown out of the crib in a fit of anti-nap fervor
and then post-Eeyore-throwing remorse immediately sets in
and we hear a mournful wail from the nursery
EEEEYYYYOOOOOORRRREEEEE!!!!
and we have to go and hand Eeyore back, if the nap is going to proceed.

Eeyore gets drug through the mud
and his bedraggled, muddy state,
like that of the Velveteen Rabbit,
bears witness to how much he is loved by a little boy.



The other day, I noted this to my husband, as Eeyore underwent yet another traumatic event in his stuffed life.
"I don't know whether to feel sorry for Eeyore that he is so mistreated, or be happy for him because he is so loved!"
And my wise husband responded,
"Just remember that thought when you feel like you have been drug through the mud -- it is because you are so loved!"

Because the love of a toddler is a little traumatic for the object of love.
But us who are loved by the toddler
wouldn't change it for the world.



Because Eeyores and Mommies are just a little different from regular humans.
Eeyores and Mommies try to see you,
not what you say when you are mad. 

Eeyores and Mommies will snuggle you
when you are covered with snot
and dirt
and who knows what other Toddler Cooties.

Eeyores and Mommies will love you
at your worst.

Even when you drag them through the mud.

I'm so glad that God
is a little bit like Eeyores and Mommies
when I act like a toddler
and my love is a little traumatic.



30.3.14

Going Vegetarian(er) - Part 2

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In my last post, I talked about some of the reasons why I (and others) might want to move toward having a little less meat in our diets. I also talked about some of the "thought-process" reasons that keep a lot of people from doing so. In this post, I'd like to share some more practical tips about how to actually go about reducing the amount of meat in your diet without ending up with endless meals of salad. My mom loves salad, so this was never an issue for her. I, however, get tired of lettuce, and my husband firmly believes that lettuce should mostly go toward feeding rabbits. And then we should eat the rabbits.
There are, however, several rather easy methods to ease yourself into a "less meat" diet, without becoming a rabbit-like lettuce eater. Here are some of them!

1. Reduce/ eliminate meat content in dishes you already eat. This is probably the least "system-shocking" method, and the one most likely to sneak its way past a spouse who is still firmly in the carnivore category. Take dishes that you already eat which are "meat-and-something-else" and just reduce the meat content and up the veggie content. You can do this a little at a time, until you have very little to no meat in the dish. Now, choose your dishes carefully: this works far better with spaghetti than it does with roast and potatoes. Your spouse might notice if you served Nugget of Roast with Pile of Potatoes.

For example:
Spaghetti: reduce meat, increase tomato sauce and onions. You can make spaghetti sauce with no meat (gasp), or you can use a little meat for flavor (my preferred method)
Lasagna: same thing. More cheese or veggies (squash goes well in lasagna), less meat.
Other Pasta: Many cheesy pastas don't need any meat at all, or very little. Chicken fettucine alfredo does not need much, if any, chicken. Manicotti can be stuffed with just herbed ricotta. Pasta and pesto is a great no-meat meal.
Soups: Broccoli-cheese-ham soup can have very little ham. Tomato soup and grilled cheese doesn't need any meat. Beans and ham can be done with only Hint of Ham for flavor.
Pizza: Try Hawaiian with very little to no ham (more onions and pineapple), or Mexican with very little ground beef (more beans and corn and cheese), or pepperoni that leans more cheese-ward. Or be adventurous and do a veggie pizza! (green peppers, onions, fresh basil, olives, mushrooms, tomatoes, etc.)

Tropical Pizza toppings

Tropical Pizza


2. Learn to base a meal around a vegetable rather than a meat. If you are anything like I was, when you go to make a meal, you first decide what meat you have to use, and then decide what you are going to do with it. Chicken? Chicken salad, chicken alfredo, fried chicken, etc. Beef? Roast and potatoes, chop suey beef, tacos, etc. My biggest challenge was learning not to start with a meat when planning my meals. What really helped me was learning several good, hearty vegetables that can serve as a "base" for many different meals. For example, pumpkin makes a wonderful "meal base" vegetable. You can make pumpkin soup, pumpkin gnocchi, pumpkin pasta, pumpkin hummus and pitas, curried pumpkin, etc. Look up pumpkin recipes on blogs and recipe websites, especially vegetarian blogs. Do the same with other vegetables: zucchini, sweet potatoes (kaukau), and other squash all make excellent "meal bases."
Pumpkin Curry

3. Make a "side" into a "meal."
I knew plenty of recipes that didn't have meat in them -- but they were "side dishes" not "meals." Getting over this distinction in my mind really helped, so that I could take a "side dish" and turn it into the focal point for a real meal! For example, a simple soup becomes a meal if you add a loaf of french bread. Same for a no-meat pasta dish, if you add a salad and a bread. Add side dishes and you suddenly have a complete meal!

Kaukau (Sweet Potato) Soup with French Bread
Creamy Tomato-Roasted Garlic Soup

4. Research and branch into new recipes!
I did a LOT of reading vegetarian blogs. They often have ideas for meals I would have never thought of on my own, and the pictures often make me eager to try something new and different, and when you are trying a completely new and different recipe, often the fact that it does not have meat in it is not so noticeable (making it so that you do not have to mention this fact to your significant other). Flavor combinations that I never thought to try before (such as a savory vegetable 'pie' with mustard sauce) and beautiful examples went a long way toward inspiring me to try my hand at "less meat" meals.

Cabbage-stuffed Sweet Potato Steam Buns (Bao)

Some blogs I have found particularly helpful are:

Green Kitchen Stories
My New Roots
Thank Your Body
Naturally Ella

Also, Pinterest has whole vegetarian sections or boards which can lead you to recipes as well as other good blogs to read.

For those living in areas where internet is expensive, you might be encouraged to hear that I have found blogs like this seem to not eat up as large an amount of internet as I was expecting. Not as much as, say, Facebook. Also, try getting new ideas and recipes from other people you know or vegetarian cookbooks if you really don't want to spend the time online. Often e-cookbooks are available on Barnes and Noble.com or Amazon for quite good prices, and you can then read them on your computer or iPad or tablet or eReader.

Mostly, just don't be afraid to try something new! You won't die from a week or two of no/little meat, or a terrible vegetarian recipe. I've made quite a few things that sounded so good on the blog and were so not good on my plate! Hopefully you have a forgiving family --- or perhaps you should try new recipes in small quantities when you are alone in the kitchen! I really enjoyed learning to cook vegetarian recipes because I found that it challenged me to learn new things in cooking rather than sticking with the same old basic recipes. I think that, as a result, I have a much wider range of possibilities when I'm thinking up my meal plan for the week. Don't give up right away because you don't know where to begin or because one meal was a flop. Keep experimenting, and eventually you will become comfortable cooking with different ingredients, and hopefully your grocery budget/ health/ conscience will be better for it!

Pitas, Humus, Pineapple Salsa, and Roasted Cabbage

29.3.14

Going Vegetarian(er) - Part 1

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 First off, I am not a vegetarian. I probably never will be. I really, really love steak. A lot.

Ok, now that that is out of the way, I will say that in my house we really only eat meat once or twice a week, and that is usually chicken. We eat a lot of "vegetarian" meals, for a couple of reasons. First, meat is really expensive. This is true in the states, as well as here in Papua New Guinea. Vegetables, if you do not buy them in the exotic, out of season, and organic sections of the grocery store (we don't have those sections at the market across the road), are quite a bit cheaper than meat, and therefore eating semi-vegetarian is a wonderful boon to the grocery budget.


Pastry-Wrapped Asparagus

Second, I just really don't think we need that much meat in a healthy diet. There are quite a few studies indicating that a vegetarian, semi-vegetarian, or otherwise lowish-in-meat diet is quite good for you, especially if you don't go replacing the meat with all kinds of high-carb or highly processed foods like tones of pasta or "tofurkey." Tofurkey, to me, sounds more like something I might give my toddler to play with than something I might actually put in my stomach. Maybe I'm prejudiced.

Anyway, for whatever reason, my family does not eat copious amounts of meat, and we do, quite often, have meals which have never mooed, clucked, quacked, oinked, or bleated. I have recently had several conversations with friends of mine who, for some reason or another, would like to reduce the amount of meat that they consume, but aren't really sure how to do so. I totally understand! A couple of years ago, when I went to make dinner I always would start with a meat and then decide what to do with it. I didn't really know how to even start thinking of a "vegetarian" meal. What would that consist of? Salad? Yuck. Buttered noodles? With… spinach? But over the last couple of years I have gotten to where I am quite comfortable coming up with and eating a meal with no meat in it, and, wonder of wonders, my husband is too! So I thought I would try to share a few tips with those who would like to move in the direction of cooking and eating less meat. In this post, I will suggest some "motivation" tips, and in the next post I will suggest some "practical" tips. (And I'll share some photos of delicious vegetarian meals. For your enjoyment and inspiration.)


First, I would decide why you want to reduce the amount of meat in your diet. Budget? Health? Moral issues? Ease of cooking? Lack of freezer space? Once you nail down exactly why you are wanting to move this direction, then you can better decide how to proceed. For example, if budget or health is your reason, then you might be just as happy cooking meals with just a little meat in them rather than no meat. If ease of cooking is your reason, then putting in just a little meat is probably going to be just as hard as quite a bit of meat, and you may want to actually try completely vegetarian meals. And obviously, if moral issues with eating meat has you wanting to go vegetarian, then you would probably want to cut out meat altogether.

Broccoli-Peanut Pesto with Button Noodles

Second, I would try to determine and deal with any issues that are keeping you from trying to reduce meat in your diet. Is your significant other resistant to the idea?  Are you worried that you might wither away to nothing or get horribly malnourished without the proper "protein" in your diet? Do you just have no idea where to start?

When I started considering a "less meat" diet, I was a little worried that I was going to have problems being properly nourished (I was pregnant at the time with my first child) and that I was going to have SERIOUS problems keeping my extremely active, high-metabolism husband properly fed. I had the idea that, although it is possible to get all your nutrients from a vegetarian diet, it required an in-depth knowledge of the exact nutrient value of each veggie that you consume and careful planning to make sure that you constructed the proper proteins from several different veggies.

Veggie-Cheese Omelet with Avocado and Toddler
 While this may be true for someone going completely vegan, or even perhaps completely vegetarian (I don't know for sure, I've never tried that), it is most certainly not true for a simple reduction of the amount of meat that you are eating. Studies (which I have not the time or inclination to cite here, but you are welcome to go research) have actually shown that the Standard American Diet has way too much meat in it. More traditional societies, as we see here in PNG, eat far less meat. And while I'm certainly not denying the necessity of protein (even meat protein) in our diets, I would argue that we certainly don't need it every meal, or even every day. Again, you are welcome to research this on your own… I have, and although I do not remember all the references I used, I can tell you that this is the conclusion I came to after quite a bit of research, and not just internet blogs. =]

Watermelon-Strawberry Koldskaal


For my husband, I think the penny dropped that he might not require so much meat to be healthy when he met Kulong and Yandu, the two Papua New Guinean guys that he works with. They are quite healthy, rather large, muscular guys, who could probably outwork most American guys with one arm tied behind their backs. These guys eat a rather traditional New Guinean diet, which consist mostly of vegetables. The occasional meat in a traditional diet would be a treat, eaten at a feast or special day, because animals that are eaten are either hunted or grown, not bought at the grocery store and grown in a feed lot. Morgan reported wonderingly to me that Kulong had told him that he ate meat probably once every two or three weeks. From then on, Morgan has been much less worried about making sure he had "enough meat." (we probably eat two or three "meat meals" a week)

Creamy Tomato Penne with Asparagus

All this to say, if the idea that meat is necessary at every meal is what is keeping either you or your significant other from trying to go "less meat," even though you would like to for other reasons, then a little research should help the issue. And if it does not convince your significant other, there is always the "sneak in a vegetarian meal and don't mention the fact that it doesn't have meat and hope they don't notice" method! I used that method for a long time. If, however, you simply don't know where to start in preparing meals without meat, I have some tips to help you get started which I shall share in my next post (because this one is getting a little long).